My husband and I were trying to get pregnant for almost a year and half. While we were trying I was dreaming of how exciting it would be to tell everyone I was pregnant, throwing a gender reveal party, and just flaunting my pregnancy lifestyle. When you try for a baby and it doesn’t happen all you hope and pray for is to one day get to experience what all your friends do, gender reveal parties, birth stories, name reveals. I am a millennial and grew up oversharing my thoughts to the world. But then why when it came to my own pregnancy journey did I feel protective of it and ended up keeping major parts of it a secret?
I had waited over 12 hours to tell my husband I was pregnant, mostly because I wanted to surprise him in person but also, for those 12 hours I didn’t share my baby with anyone. It was just her and I innocently together, no books to plant questions of doubt about my pregnancy, no one to compare myself too, and no other people’s opinions.When I got my two lines, I had never felt so much joy to finally be pregnant, the moment I have always been waiting for.
When you get pregnant it really is a life changing moment and then when you tell people it makes it all that much more real and with that came lots of questions and doubts in my head. The voice that says, “I don’t always remember to take my prenatals”, “what if the baby isn’t healthy”, and an even scarier thought, “what-if I lose the baby”. I have never experienced a miscarriage and was praying that I wouldn’t go through it. Since, it took us a long while to get pregnant, I was scared that our baby wouldn’t make it and that everything was all too good to be true. I especially got extremely worried when a few weeks into my pregnancy I had blood when I wiped after using the bathroom. I called my doctor immediately and rushed over to have my first ultrasound. But everything was completely okay, but my instinct was to go into protective mama mood. That feeling that something so special could be taken away from me so quickly stayed with me through my entire pregnancy.
We made it a point to tell our friends and close family in person about our new addition. It was exciting telling them and it made it even more real. It was finally time that we could announce our pregnancy to the world and trying to come up with the best way to do it was more stressful than anything. Mostly because many people did not know the struggle we endured to get pregnant. It was such a new concept to me that I was being so shy about being pregnant, I am not the shy girl ever, but I had this gut reaction to proceed with caution.
I was so ready to have a gender reveal party too. I had been pinning party ideas since before I was even married. Anyone who knows me, knows I love a good party and hosting a gender reveal party was right up my ally. I even chatted with some of my close friends about having one when I found I was pregnant. I found earlier than usually about the gender of our baby, because I too anxious and excited to wait until the full 20 week mark. When I actually sat down to plan the party, I got this gut feeling that it was not what I truly wanted to do. I became so nervous and stressed about planning it and doing it. All I kept thinking about was everyone watching my face when I found out for the very first time if we would be having a boy or a girl. I didn’t like the pressure. I did not care either way if we would be having a boy or girl, I was just excited to be having a baby, but this was life changing news that forever changed the dynamic of our family.
When I truly sat down and thought about what I wanted, I wanted to find out privately with my husband, and have it be an intimate moment between us. Our baby was made for us and learning about our baby for the first time, should be between us. We went to a private 3D ultrasound doctor’s office and found out we were having a girl. It was truly the perfect moment, just between my husband and I, and after we left there, I knew I made the right decision to not have a party. We posted on our social media accounts her gender so that way we could share the exciting news after we relished in it ourselves.
Once, everyone knew we were having a girl the immediate question afterwards was what would we name her. My husband and I made the decision to keep her name a secret until she was born. I had done lots of contemplating about this because I love getting monogrammed gifts more than anyone. I wanted to keep it a secret mostly to dodge questions and opinions about her name. People have lots to say about baby names, let me tell you! But, I felt I already shared so much with everyone about my baby, and my husband and I wanted something that was just for us. It was so so special during my pregnancy to keep her name a secret. When no one was around we referred to her by her name and we would laugh and giggle when my mom would try and guess her name for the 100th time. I loved sharing a secret between my husband and I that only we knew, it made the process feel even more special.
I had also kept it a secret that I had gestational diabetes and many people to this day still don’t know I had it. I felt embarrassed and due to people’s lack of knowledge about it I was worried people would blame me for having it. I didn’t want to be judged for something that was out of my control. So I choose to not tell anyone but my family about it. At work, I would hide pricking my finger and when people asked if I wanted a doughnut I would just say “no thanks” as politely as I could in hopes of avoiding the follow up question, “why not”. I was constantly being told I was so big or that she was going to come early because of how “big” I looked. It is common that women who has GD also have bigger babies, so I was already feeling self-conscious on how “big” I looked and didn’t want to add anything to draw attention to myself. The major part of keeping my GD a secret was that I didn’t feel it was anyone’s business to know why I ate healthy, counted my carbs, and avoided sugar.
Our little babe was breech and she was really comfortable where she was positioned, she was not moving anytime soon. We had to make a decision to either choose do the procedure that turns her OR have a c-section. It was quite a hard decision to decide what to do, but in the end we opted for a c-section. We scheduled the surgery and knew the birthday of our baby. We were over the moon excited, but I didn’t want to tell anyone when her birthday would be. I feel as a society we look down on women who have c-sections, especially ones that are scheduled. I didn’t want the added stress of that, again plus all the questions. Also, I didn’t want to worry about the text messages or phone calls we might get that day, not that I don’t love feeling supported, but wanted to be in the moment and present for my husband and my baby. I am very proud of her birth story having gone through it, but at the time I felt my decision to do it was private.
We also didn’t announce her birth until a few days after she arrived into the world. Just like when I found out I was pregnant, I wasn’t ready to share her with the world. I was in total bliss when she was born and my husband and I just wanted to experience the first few days of her life with just us and our immediate family. I didn’t want to be distracted by all the congratulations within those first few days, I just wanted to focus on learning about my baby and soaking her in.
Looking back on my pregnancy journey, it really took me by surprise how secretive and private I was about parts of it. I was scared of people’s judgments, I was scared of doing the right or the wrong thing, and I was scared of it all getting taken away from me. To protect my feelings and my baby I choose a pretty private pregnancy journey. Within those 9 months my husband and I grew stronger together, I was at my most vulnerable and he gave me grace and with no judgement. I learned more about myself than ever before. I learned that it is okay to not share or say no to people’s questions and society’s standards. I didn’t take any of the days I was pregnant for granted and each day felt surreal. I made the decision to keep parts of my pregnancy secret and I wouldn’t change a thing about my decisions.
