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This is Not How I Wanted to Raise My Child

I was never sure that I wanted kids. Thinking about bringing a child into the world is scary! That is a whole other level of responsibility. There are so many questions and unknowns. Bringing a child into this world, you want to raise a loving, compassionate, and good human. You want them to contribute to society and succeed. You want them to have more than you did and the best chance at life. You want to give them all the opportunities and for them to excel.

If and when I was going to have kids there were a few things I needed to make me feel more prepared. I wanted to be in a good place financially and in my job. I wanted to be in a strong relationship and provide a home that they could grow up in. There was also the concern of my health issues and if they would be passed down. This is something that I didn’t want to impose on my child, but knew there was a chance they would get it.

Well, I became pregnant and little to none of those things were in place. I was in in denial for a bit. I finally came to terms with being pregnant and decided that no matter what, I was still going to give my baby the best life I could. I was going to show him unconditional love. I was going to raise him to be polite, smart, and love others. I was going to do what I could to protect him and do my best to let the unknowns go.

Fast forward to March 2020 when the world began to spiral. I never thought that there would still be so much hate in the world. I never thought that there would still be racism and justice unmet. I could never have imagined that a global pandemic would take over everything. When I got pregnant, I knew and understood the world at that moment, and I could handle it. I could not predict the turn it was about to take and how it would shake everything up.

I didn’t want to raise my child in a world were the color of your skin is still a concern. I did not want to raise my child in a world where wearing a mask is a normal thing. I didn’t want to raise my child in a world where immunizations could be mandated. I did not want to raise my child in a world where you could be segregated by whether you got the COVID vaccine or not. I did not want to raise my child not being able to go to the movies and museums. I didn’t want to raise my child in a world where there were no birthday parties and gatherings. I didn’t want to raise my child where he can’t go outside and play by himself in fear he might be kidnapped.  I didn’t want to raise my child in a world where child sex slavery was as big of an issue as ever. I didn’t want to raise my child in a world where I can’t post photos of him in fear they will be used by pedophiles. I didn’t want to raise my child in a world where he must attend school in front of a computer.

This is not the world I wanted to raise my child in.

My son is only 15 months and in the past 5 months, everything has changed. I am scared for him. These are the things that worry me. That he won’t be able to have a ‘normal’ childhood. That we will have to create a ‘new normal’. He was supposed to have it better than I did. I have absolutely no idea what the future holds. I do know that everything is fluid and things could change around. The one thing that is giving me peace is knowing how resilient children are. My hope is that he won’t be affected too much by this. That by the time he is old enough to comprehend, this will just be another chapter in his history books.

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