It started when I first announced my pregnancy. I had some NASTY morning sickness and had lost about 15 pounds. My doctor had threatened to install an IV in my stomach to pump me full of nutrients and medicine 24/7. A casual friend made a seemingly benign comment about my weight loss. She then proceeded to tell me about how amazing her first pregnancy was, how she didn’t have a moment of morning sickness, and how she gained the textbook amount of weight. I walked away from the conversation feeling confused. We as women should band together during the emotional and physical rollercoaster of pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood. We should support each other and listen to the stories, the heartache, the struggles without interruption, judgment and most of all… one-upping.
Why is the habit of one-upping formed? Is it because we are insecure? Too confident? I think the need to one-up stems from our desire for recognition and acknowledgment.
Being a mom can be a thankless job. We pour our blood, sweat, and tears into raising our children and we rarely hear “Thank you!” We rarely hear “You are doing a great job!” or “I see the sacrifices you are making and I think it is admirable.” We get our thanks in small, yet miraculous ways: when our baby first smiles at us, we hear that first “ma-ma”, and the first day of kindergarten. We feel pride in our efforts when our baby graduates high school and then college. We will feel joy when we meet our first grandbaby and on the day we see our children become moms and dads. And while these experiences are magical and joyous and beautiful, they are internal celebrations. They are celebrations that occur within our hearts and maybe shared with our partners.
In the days and weeks after I had Baby H, I was eager to talk about my birth story. I wanted to tell anyone who would listen about the funny things my hubby said (“Is that her HEAD?!”), the silly things I said while pushing (“Someone find me my *&$%ing doctor or this baby is going to land on the floor!”), and the feelings of anxiety, surprise, and joy I felt when I first held my baby girl. But it quickly became one of my least favorite things to talk about.
Just a few weeks ago, I was talking with another new mom about labor and delivery and I mentioned that even before I was pregnant, I had every intention of getting an epidural during labor. She smiled at me condescendingly, and proceeded to tell me about all of the terrible things that can happen to babies whose mother had an epidural. She told me all about her home water birth, her midwife and doula and how childbirth “didn’t even hurt!” because she used breathing techniques and positioning to cope with the contractions.
Am I a less caring mother because I chose a different route? Am I weaker? Am I somehow inferior to her because my experience differed from hers? Of course not. And I really don’t think she thought that I was either. I think she wanted someone to give her praise for being strong and making the tough decisions that she made. And she DESERVES that praise! We ALL do! Every single mother deserves praise and recognition for each decision she makes because these are some of the hardest decisions we will ever make. The mom that breastfeeds her baby through latching issues, tongue ties and allergies deserves praise JUST AS MUCH as the mom who feeds her baby formula because she has to go back to a 9-5 job mere weeks after welcoming her baby into this world. The mom that co-sleeps deserves praise JUST AS MUCH as the mom whose baby sleeps in a crib in the other room. The mom that delivered via C-section deserves JUST AS MUCH praise as the mom who delivered her twins squatting in a rice patty.
So, next time you find yourself in a conversation with another mom, instead of one-upping her, try praising her. Tell her she’s amazing, strong, and a wonderful mother. Tell her you are proud of her for putting her baby first. Tell her she is doing a great job.
