I’ll be the first to admit that after having kids things definitely took a turn in our sex life. That recovery period after giving birth is just the start of it, then you add in lower sex drive because of breastfeeding, the wake-ups during all hours of the night and the overall exhaustion. Then that baby gets older and perhaps another baby comes along and that feeling of being “touched out” just magnifies. Basically, the desire to get busy with your partner is the last thing on your mind – am I right? For most of us, our sex drive never really makes a full recovery – or at least not until we actively make some changes.
I don’t know a single mom that hasn’t at some point felt like sex was the furthest thing on their mind and wanted nothing to do with it – myself included. But Mama, it doesn’t have to be that way. I’m sharing a few things that helped me rekindle that fire.
Intimacy Outside The Bedroom
As a mom I am constantly pulled in 10 directions at once with a to-do list a mile long. Unfortunately for my husband, he falls close to the bottom of that list more often than I care to admit. One of the biggest changes you can make for your sex life is to start making more time for your spouse outside the bedroom too. For us that is things like regular date nights – getting outside the house to spend some uninterrupted time together is huge. At least once a year, plan an overnight or a weekend with just the two of us – we come home from these nights feeling so recharged and that spark in our sex life is back. We also make it a point to give each other a hug and kiss anytime we come home or leave and hold hands when we are out and about. It’s crazy how much that little bit of physical touch helps build a stronger connection between the two of you. This one is a little cheesy, but we also try to send each other little texts occasionally when we think about one another or see something that reminds us of them. That simple daily communication that isn’t related to our kids helps us stay close. Remember those pre-kid days? Flirt like you used to back then with your spouse! It’s feels kind of weird at first, but it is also lots of fun.
Change Your Perspective
Honestly, this was one thing that has made the biggest impact for me in getting our sex life back. Somehow over the years I went from being excited and engaged in pursuing sex with my husband, to avoidance and feeling like it wasn’t something I wanted. I definitely think having kids changed my mindset, not to mention about a thousand other factors over the past 10 years of marriage, but all this happened without me even noticing it had changed. Then about a year ago I had a total shift in my thinking: I came to the realization that it is ok for me to want sex with my husband. Try that one on for a second. It is perfectly acceptable to desire sex with your spouse. In fact it’s better than acceptable, it’s fantastic.
I realize this may not resonate with everyone who reads this, but there are a few of you out there who need to hear this. Maybe you feel like he needs to be the one to initiate it, but girl if you want it, suggest it, heck even outright ask for it! Or perhaps you feel like you need to brush off his advances when he tells you that you look sexy, but if you like the compliment, accepted it with confidence – and if it lights a little passion, act on it. You don’t have to be reserved or feel like you are just a participant, you can take charge and enjoy it too. Start looking at it as something gratifying and pleasurable and less like it’s a chore. Do it for you, not necessarily for him (although we want both parties satisfied here, obvi).
Set A Goal Or Schedule It In
I can’t fully take credit for this one, it’s a tip I took from Rachel Hollis. And friends, believe me when I say this: it works. In her book, Rachel talks about Sexy September. The idea behind it is that you have sex every day for an entire month (it doesn’t have to be September, but it does sound catchy – maybe you could make this month Frisky February??). The goal is for both you and your partner to both have an orgasm every single day of that month. Sounds intense, right?
But let me tell you, some really brilliant things happen during the month. First, it forces you and your partner to talk and communicate about sex. It gets you thinking about sex on a regular basis – and lets be real, sometimes that’s half the battle. It also gets you and your spouse more in sync with each other’s needs and desires, and not to mention much more efficient. When you have to do it every day, you learn the best ways to please your spouse (and visa versa). If you are trying to find a way to reconnect and start feeling intimate with your spouse again, I highly suggest giving this a try.
Another option is to schedule it in. And ladies, I don’t mean once a month here, schedule in more than you think you’ll want to. When it’s on your schedule, you can also plan ahead to take some time for you to relax and pamper yourself a bit beforehand. Do things like take a bath, shave those legs, put on some of your favorite lotion – whatever will help you shift from “mom” to “me” to “us”.
If you’ve tried the other methods suggested here (or any others) and it feels like you aren’t making progress, it might be time to seek help elsewhere. Hormones play a huge role in our sex lives and there may be a thing or two that needs adjusting (for you or your spouse) so visit you care provider to see what they recommend.
Another big part is feeling connected to your spouse and engaged in your relationship. If things aren’t feeling like they are running smoothly, it might be a good time to seek counseling.