This month, I am coming to you with a book review: “Bringing up bebe” by Pamela Druckerman. Pam is an American writer, who, along with her British husband, were relocated to Paris for work. Long story short, they brought up their children, one girl and twin boys, the French way.
Why would I choose a book about French parenting, you ask?
Well, first of all, the book is, in my opinion, a good reference for parenting altogether. It references many studies from French specialists about parenting, while being insightful of what is going on abroad. On a more personal note, my mother was Belgian (Belgium shares a border with France, and therefore, much of the culture and traditions) and I was brought up in a more European way. When I became a mother, I was inevitably drawn towards this parenting style and “Bringing up bebe” was a good reminder of the different aspects of parenting I was brought up in.
Back to Pam. The least I can say is that, confronted to French parenting, she and her thoughts about life with kids were completely blown out of the water. Here are a few of the many subjects Pamela touches in “Bringing up bebe”.
Sleeping through the night yet?
I thought I was going to lose my sanity because of sleepless nights. I was sleep deprived for 9 months and running on fumes. When I talked about this with my Belgian friends, they told me that their kids “did their nights” (literal translation) when they were about 4 months old. According to them, the child, somehow, understands that mommy is going back to work by that time (maternity leave is a blessed thing in Europe). To be factored in as well is the kids start, as it is called, food diversification (basically, start solids) much earlier on. When my little man finally started eating solids, everyone was sleeping through the night.
Teach your child patience with patience
French parents calmly teach their kids patience very early. As tiny as they can be, kids are not picked up at the first whimper. Parents usually let their kids, even very small, and for a few minutes at a time, figure out a way to soothe themselves or find a solution by themselves. This goes against what I was told when I had my son: tend to your child as soon as he cries. Parents across the pond believe that this pause allows them to observe a situation and encourages children to learn patience and be okay with themselves.
The bottom line being, in the long run, that parents have a life too, that does not involve the kids all the time. This is something that we have implemented as soon as our son was walking. It helped him develop his individuality and learn to not need our undivided and continuous attention. Think about the times you want to cook and want your kids to entertain themselves…by themselves.
At least taste it and table manners
This is one thing I clearly remember my mother telling me all the time: at least, taste your food. If you don’t like it, it’s okay, as long as you try. I feel like this is a big difference between France (or Belgium) and the US, where foods are accommodated for kids. As Pam reminded me, there is no such thing as a kids’ menu in France and I don’t recall anything close to that in Belgium either. From the beginning, our little guy has eaten what we eat, which makes life easier (and cheaper).
Another aspect of eating are the table manners. We all sit together as a family for meals, without our son throwing food around the plate or table. Someone told me that I was overreacting about this, but it was part of my education and I passed it along. It was hard in the beginning but, with patience, meal times no longer involve my husband or I getting on all fours to pick up food off the floor.
Set a frame
French parents have a set of core values (such as routine, respect, politeness, honesty, etc.) and set a frame based on these. Inside the frame, kids do what they want. The aim being to tell them “no” as rarely as possible. If they step out of the frame, they are disciplined. When kids are stepping way out of line, they aren’t given choices. The parent decides for them: “I am the one who decides” is commonly heard. I feel like too many choices are given to kids nowadays and parents aren’t fully in charge. Kids are kids and parents are parents. With my son, I was confident about using the “I am the one who decides” rule vs. letting him make a reasonable choice. It just works for us.
My personal take on this is that, no matter how many parenting classes you take or books you read, go with your gut when it comes to raising your kids. As I found, some of the things that I have been doing with my son were ingrained in me because of the education I had received from my mom, and I discarded whatever didn’t apply to our personalities. There is no right or wrong as long as it suits your family values. My only goal as a parent is to raise a decent and respectful human being.
