My youngest child starts Kindergarten this school year. For me, every first day is filled with sentiment but none as much as that first day of real school. I feed off of their excitement but also harbor some of their fears, anxiety, anticipation for what is to come. With my older two daughters, I hid behind large sunglasses, fighting back tears and swallowing my emotion as I watched them grow seemingly in front of my eyes walking in line into their new classrooms. I cried on my way to work, thankful for some distraction until the end of the day when they would return to me, all smiles and full of stories about this new chapter of their little lives.
My husband and I often joke, “What kind of emotional break down will I have when the baby goes to school?” (And yes, even though she is 5…we still call her the “baby”). She seems SO much younger than her sisters did when they started school. How can this girl who still wants to sit on my lap and snuggle before bed and be carried around possibly be of the age where a full day of school is possible? With a summer birthday, we have always been open to the idea of waiting another year before starting Kindergarten but she is more than ready, even if I am not.
Now the day is somehow here. I know many people would celebrate this milestone…all three kids in school full time! We made it! But instead it feels bittersweet. The house, even though I am not in it during the day, will be quiet. I won’t have a buddy to accompany me when I pick up the older two anymore because she will be right there with them waiting to tell me about her day. I know from previous experience how much she will change this year. Don’t get me wrong – I am excited for her to learn, grow, make new friends, adapt to a new environment, and all of the wonderful things that Kindergarten brings. But I also don’t feel ready to let her go just yet.
So the countdown begins until the big first day. I am doing my best to process my emotions and let my excitement for her overshadow this nagging sadness I feel. I can picture her smile as she walks proudly into school right beside her sisters with her too big backpack and glasses sliding down her nose as always. I will cry, no doubt about that, but I will also embrace this milestone. It isn’t an end, but a new beginning. Though this may be the last first day of Kindergarten, I am thankful for all the firsts that are yet to come.
