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I Didn’t Want to be a Mom

When I was 25 I was living the good life. I had a great boyfriend and a good job. I was juggling school with my very active social life and loved who I was becoming. My boyfriend and I were serious, but not so much that we wanted to get married or have kids anytime soon. We were weekend warriors and the only thing standing in our way of a good time was our 40 hour work weeks. I was about to start nursing school and had big plans for my career. Kids were the last thing on my mind. 

I didn’t want to be a mom. Being a mom wasn’t something I ever dreamed of or put on my list of goals. I was very much concerned with myself, my relationship and pursuing my nursing career. I definitely didn’t see myself having them in the next 5-10 years. 

Then I got pregnant. 

Before you say “well don’t you know how babies are made” I’ll say yes, I do. I’ll also tell you that birth control is not always the best at controlling birth. Maybe I wasn’t as careful with that pill as I needed to be, but it had done its job for years prior and everything was fine. After a visit to the doctor for what I thought was a major seasonal allergy attack, I left with two positive pregnancy tests and the shock of my lifetime. 

There was no question that I would keep the baby, but the future I was so sure of was suddenly blurry. I am very Type A, a planner, things must be orderly and I am admittedly a control freak. I knew a baby would certainly change all of that. In the hours before I told my boyfriend, all I could tell myself was “this isn’t what I had planned.” 

Lucky for me, I chose a partner that is the yin to my yang. He completely balances me. When I nervously told him I was pregnant his response was a very calm “okay.” Once the dust settled we decided (with some help from our parents) that the best thing to do was to get married. There was no question we wanted to be together, so we just sped things up a bit and 106 days later we were married.

The whirlwind of 2014 (pregnant, engagement, wedding, baby) changed my life for the better. Even if it isn’t how you planned, life has a way of working itself out.

Being a mom has not only changed me to my core, but it has redirected my purpose in life. I never thought I would have been a stay at home mom with a half finished degree. The control freak is still in me, but I’ve had to let some things go because my 2 and 4 year old have different plans. The social, always busy girl in her twenties is more comfortable at home in her thirties. 

I didn't want to be a mom | East Valley Moms Blog

It’s not all rainbows and butterflies. I can fully understand why my generation is not having kids at the same rate as generations before us. Kids are hard. Being a mom is hard. Everyday I have to wake up and put two lives before my own and it’s not always the easiest decision to make. There are days, probably more often than I would publicly admit, that I want to just be me. I crave time alone and end the day feeling tired and touched out. But when your speech delayed kid learns a new word everything makes sense. When my too independent daughter comes in my room at night and says she just wants to snuggle, the lost sleep becomes worth it. I could go on and on, but there is nothing in my life I’ve ever felt more comfortable being and it’s the one thing I didn’t think I wanted at all. 

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