I’ll never forget my best friend when she had three school-age step kids plus a toddler and a baby and a lady from our church offered to help her by accompanying her to the grocery store. I was excited for her, picturing the lady pushing the cart and helping with the kids while my friend flew through her list, then them working together to check out, load the car and unload at home. What a great way to help a mom! Then I heard the report afterward.
This lady basically tagged along and chit-chatted with my friend while she shopped which made the trip take that much longer. Instead of at least distracting the baby, she distracted the mom. The “help” was a fail. I had to wonder if she just thought my friend needed some company or if she genuinely didn’t know how to help.
I don’t remember if she was of any actual help that day but what I do remember has stayed with me: people don’t always know how to help a mom. In reality, she might have been more use staying home with the kids and letting my friend shop alone. Or she could have done the shopping for her!
In the years since, I’ll often tell people, “When a mom has a new baby, go over and offer to take the baby so the mom can rest or do something for herself, not just so she can ‘get something done.'” OR, go do some housework or laundry so the mom can have some uninterrupted time with her baby (or take a nap!).
Have you ever had someone give you five or ten bucks and say, “Take the kids out for ice cream”? That is a super nice gesture! There are the moms, though, who would rather the person TAKE THE KIDS OUT for ice cream so she can sip a glass of iced tea and read a book in peace. That’s what would help her.
Christy is on a tight budget and would love for you to pay for you, her and the kids to have a day at the zoo.
Lesley, on the other hand, would love nothing more than for someone to take her kids off on an adventure so she can have the house to herself.
If you want to help a mom like Jess who works and hardly has time to cook, double your dinner recipe and bring half over so she can come home from work and play board games with the kids instead of being in the kitchen.
The best way to help a mom is to ask what kind of help she needs.
Depending on her personality, the ages of her kids, her work situation, her stress levels, the places where she feels she falls short…every mom has different needs. Sometimes we’re also shy to ask for help because we don’t want to admit we’re lousy cooks or can’t keep up with the laundry. We don’t want to burden someone else with our messes. Or we feel guilty because we want that time alone even though we’re already missing time with our kids because of work. It’s complicated.
The other problem is a lot of moms don’t even know how to articulate what they need. They might THINK they want that trip to the zoo when they really just crave an afternoon browsing the book store alone. So if a mom can’t tell you what she needs, start with anything related to cooking and cleaning.
Two things are for sure: moms work hard and moms could use some help. Modern life means we’re missing our village of women doing life and kids together so we have to make an effort to help each other. Reach out to a mom and find out how you can help her. If she’s not sure, start by taking her a meal and tackling that pile of dishes.
