Starting Young
I remember being 7 years old and worrying about being fat. I’m not even sure how or why that thought even entered my head. However, I distinctly remember being in my 2nd grade class worried about being bigger than my friends. I don’t even think at that time I was overweight, but probably just built more athletically than other girls my age. It wasn’t till I was in late elementary and early jr high that I was really probably overweight. Then suddenly 8th grade happened and I suppose I “blossomed” and lost weight out of nowhere and lost more through exercise.
A shift
It felt nice to finally no longer feel like a ugly duckling and I stayed a healthy weight until the end of my junior year and I started working at a pizza place that generously gave us a shift meal every night we worked. I gained some weight and with that some insecurities again. The low for me as a 17 year old, was when I received my senior portraits and hated the image looking back at me.
Thus began a year of binging and purging. By the end of my senior year I lost around 30 lbs. and yet my emotional well-being was in tatters. I eventually stopped the bad habits by the middle of my freshman year of college. However, no one, save for a few friends and my boyfriend at the time, knew I had an eating disorder until years later. Still, as a thirty year old mother of 4, I still feel temptation to fall back into my old habits from time to time. I’ve had two relapses of the actual disorder in my 20s. You are never truly cured of disordered eating they say, because the thoughts can creep in whenever.
A mom
I’m now a mom. I have sons, and a daughter. A daughter who is beautiful, strong, and athletic; like her mama. I especially don’t want her struggling with food, self worth, and her body like I have and sometimes, still do.
The biggest impact I think I can make on my daughter is to never let her hear me talk negatively about myself. I don’t complain about my weight in front of my kids, or what I don’t like about my body. I think hearing others (not even necessarily my mother or other family members, but peers) talk negatively about themselves influenced me to think that way. I also try my best to model a healthy lifestyle in how I eat and at least be active daily. That way I can maybe combat the negative associations that can be made with food.
I tell my daughter how beautiful, how smart, how strong and most importantly loved she is. As she grows older I hope to keep open communication with her and with my sons as well.
I think being a mom has changed my mindset in general when it comes to my body. It is imperfect, but it carried and birthed 4 children. It’s given me the greatest gifts and purpose I could ever hope for. Scars, stretch marks, extra 20 lbs and all I appreciate my body more than ever. This is how my eating disorder changed me.
