Recently I had gone on a walk with one of my best friends, we were extending our long goodbye (as usual) and our conversation turned to getting older and how it is affecting us. She confided in me, “sometimes I wake up and look in the mirror I don’t recognize myself” and I agreed, “I know! I wake up and see my dad!” Not that my dads not an attractive guy or anything but his rugged man face is not what I want to see most mornings (I’m sure my husband neither). My friend is gorgeous, she has a smile that lights up a room, is athletic and in amazing shape. A true stunner and she feels unrecognizable in the morning. Just like me. And as we chatted we looked at ourselves in the reflection of my mini van pointing out all our lines and imperfections, as any sane adults would.
She then asks it, the question I thought no one was ever going to ask and I was going to get away with, she asked “Kim, did you get Botox?” Busted! “Yes, but it was months ago and I swear it’s already worn off around my eyes, I had a gift certificate”, I stammered as I tried to justify the reasons I went against my grow old naturally life stance. Said she knew it and my smile looked different. We chatted some more about doing what makes us feel better. That growing old is hard. We have to do what helps us survive gracefully. And this is why she is one of my best friends.
I had made a large proclamation a couple years ago when I posted a photo I didn’t want to share because even though it was of one of my favorite days, my wrinkles ruined the photo. I had a hard reality check with myself and in turn, as I often do, made a big social media post proclaiming I would grow old naturally and accept and love my lines that came from a well loved, well enjoyed life. But the truth was I never could. I could never love my aging face. I’d buy all the creams, I’d ask all the experts and I would still wake up and say, ugh.
I received a gift certificate for a facial but I called and asked, “Uh hi, umm… umm.. I’d like to know how to schedule an appointment for ummm botox” they responded with a quick “you just come in, tomorrow at 2? ” Next thing I know I am getting shots near my eyes at my request. And I almost passed out, because I am that person.
A week later though I couldn’t stop looking in the mirror. Holy crap! I just got 10 years back. I loved it. I loved it more than I should have perhaps. Because then I looked at my forehead and thought, that won’t do and made another call. And when the forehead was clear I started to look at my mouth and thought those need to go too and I suddenly hit the brakes and thought I am turning into a monster. How did I go from wanting to age naturally to Frankenstein mom. There has a to a healthy balance right?
I think I am still seeking that balance, but as I think this aging process over and over and over (as I often over think everything) I keep coming to the same conclusion. Who cares. Who cares if you want a face transplant. Or if you never do a thing to your face. Whatever you do, do it for you. We live one life. One. I can get so hung up on the fact my mom has less wrinkles than me and whine about it or I can get a couple shots and move on. We put so much pressure on ourselves about everything and in turn on each other. But let’s talk about it. It doesn’t need to be a shameful secret. Growing old is hard. It is hard to look in the mirror and not see you. I recently turned 40 and it has been a hard process for me. I want to accept this new decade with grace and anticipation but I am still looking in the rear view mirror of my 30’s. But as I continue to evolve and age I hope I can be easier on myself and I wish that for you as well.
