A Letter to My Baby Who I Never Got to Meet

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Dear Little One,

I’m so sorry. I know everyone says I shouldn’t be sorry because I did nothing wrong. That this is nature’s way. That there was nothing I could have done to make this happen, nor prevent it from happening. But it did. It did happen and you out of all of us, didn’t deserve it.

During those 8 weeks we spent together, I imagined what you’d look like. Boy? Girl? Would you get along with your older brother? I pictured the two of you bickering in the car and my patience running short, but deep down I know I’d love it all. But now I know that that won’t be a reality with you. And as much as that breaks my heart, I’m starting to think that you had a different purpose for me, for my family.  

As heartbroken as I am that we’ll never get to meet you, I’m thankful for you. You taught and reminded me a few things that no one else could.

You taught me acceptance. Accepting things I can’t control. Accepting that the “Big Man Upstairs” has his own plan for us and to have faith and patience in those plans, despite how much we try to plan on our own terms. I got pregnant pretty easily both times and ignorantly assumed the second pregnancy would go just as smoothly as the first. I see so many happy pregnant women around me more than ever… with their adorable baby bumps and newly pregnant women ‘announcing’ with excitement. I envy them and its a constant reminder of what could have been with us, but it’s okay.  

You taught me to brave. I always thought I was sort of brave. But I didn’t realize (or ever thought about) how brave a woman needed to be, having to go through this, both mentally and physically. Yes, crying is inevitable, but to have the drive to ‘keep going’ and to put on a smile for your kiddo so that they don’t see you upset. [I commend all you mamas who have had to do this!]

And lastly, you reminded me that nothing in life should be taken for granted. I know it’s so cliché to say but I guess I really needed the reminding. Life is so precious and you never know how long you’ll have with those you love. So from now on I’ll be sure to love a little harder. To make sure I kiss my husband every night before bed and to snuggle with my son as long as he wants to before he falls asleep, despite the pile of dishes calling my name.

As time goes by, I cry less. I’m able to go a few hours without reminding myself of that awful and traumatic day. But don’t worry, little one. Even though my days seem to go back to ‘normal,’ it’s completely different for me now. My new normal will always include the thought of you and how there’s a sweet angel watching over us now. Thank you for making me stronger.

Love,
Your Mama

The little one I never got to meet. | East Valley Moms Blog

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