Mom With An Eating Disorder: Turning Struggles Into Strengths

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I have an eating disorder.  Typing those words makes me cringe.  Those words are embarrassing.  I have been ashamed for so long.  Bulimia came from feelings of never believing that I was enough.  Always trying to be something I was not and trying to have the body I was not meant to have.

Usually when you think of someone with an eating disorder you think of a teenage or college age girl.  So what happens when that girl grows up and becomes a mom?  The eating disorder does not care, it is not just going to say goodbye.

My parents divorced when I was 8 years old.  As a kid, you don’t understand the complexity of relationships and why things don’t work out.  You’re just hopeful – hopeful that things will just be normal again.

Fast forward a few years to age 14.  This is when my mom remarried and I moved with her to a new town, a new house, a new school, a new family.  I felt like I could never love this man she married because that would seem like I was betraying my Dad.  So I put up a wall.  The biggest wall I could ever build.  It was ugly.  It was my own self hate and loss of control.

Enter eating disorder and depression.  I somehow decided that controlling what I ate and the number on the scale was something I could focus on.  The scale was like a game to me.  I would weigh myself in the morning and see if I could weigh less by the end of the day.

Next thing I know I’m being treated in a hospital for depression, bulimia and anorexia.  I stayed in that hospital for two weeks before they released me to go home and continue treatment with outside counseling.

I relapsed throughout high school.  For the most part I was able to keep in under control but I always struggled with my body image.  I compared myself to other girls and never thought I was pretty enough or thin enough.

Any time something in my life became stressful or was out of my control, I would turn to my eating disorder for comfort.  I had this constant internal struggle.  I didn’t want anyone to see my imperfections.  Hiding this secret caused me to have an overwhelming feeling of guilt and self-hate.  Especially after becoming a mom.  I was so disappointed that I could not overcome this on my own and I didn’t know how to ask for help.  I felt like a hypocrite.  I was the one always giving advice to people on how to eat healthy, yet, I continued to struggle with this eating disorder.

The biggest relapse happened fairly recent.  It started when we found out that my husband got a promotion at work that would relocate us to Arizona which is 1,800 miles away from where we lived in South Dakota.  I was excited for the move but unfortunately things did not happen smoothly.  I ended up staying with the kids while the house was for sale and my husband left right away for work.  The house did not sell for a long time and our family was separated for 15 months.

I was working my job as an insurance agent, taking nutrition classes online so that I could pursue a new career after the move, taking care of two toddlers and keeping the entire house clean for showings.  I became extremely overwhelmed very quickly.  I was staying up late to clean the house and listen to online lectures for school.  I was on a roller coaster of emotions and the depression started to set in.  Before I knew it, I was in a full-blown bulimia relapse.

So here I was, married with two healthy and vibrant children and I was studying nutrition, yet, I couldn’t let go of this dark thing in my life.  I always thought I would grow up and grow out of this, but until I decided to address it and get the help I really needed, it was always going to be there.

I eventually made the decision to start talking.  I first told my mom and my husband.  I then decided to see a doctor who prescribed an antidepressant for the depression and to help with the bulimia.  I started to notice a change in my mood.  I changed my diet and was eating clean foods again.  I was able to discontinue the medication.  I was no longer exercising just to burn calories.  I was working out because it felt good and was making me stronger.  I focused on fueling my body so that I could have more energy and be nourished.

I share my story so that I can help women who have gone through issues in their own life that made them struggle with food, their weight or their body image.  I want people to see that they too can overcome these things with proper nutrition, exercise and a good support system.

I want my children to see me as a role model and lead by example to give them the best chance at a long and healthy life.  In order for me to give them that gift, I have to take care of myself and love myself.  I had to forgive myself for the way that I treated my body.  I had to let go of the guilt that I carried from taking time away from my children and giving that time to my eating disorder.

Living a healthy life isn’t always easy and obstacles will always arise.  It’s how we choose to navigate those obstacles that is important.

I have now discovered that I am enough – exactly as I am.  I am no longer ashamed and I am proud of the woman I have become.  I have learned that an eating disorder does not define who I am, it is simply a piece of my journey and a story I am meant to share in order to help others.

Hiking landscape

I would love to hear from you!  Reach out to me on FaceBook or Instagram.

((Hugs))

 

 

 

4 COMMENTS

  1. thanks for sharing this! your courage and bravery to share is a huge thing as most of the world doesn’t talk about it, let alone recognize it in “moms” as you say! i struggled for 20+ years and am so thankful for other mamas who are willing to share their story so we can decrease the stigmas and create awareness for our friends, sisters, and daughters!

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