I am deserving. I am a great mother. An involved, fantastic mother. So why can’t I get pregnant? Why are there people that are undeserving of having children able to get pregnant while I cannot? Is this a test of my patience? As I slowly creep towards that magical age of, a-hem, 40, I find myself becoming more desperate to have another child. My fellow co-writer, Brittany, recently wrote a blog post titled, “Do You Have a Number?” Yes, I do have a number and that number I always imagined was 3 kids. This is something I have always wanted. Not to mention, I had a palm reader in Jackson Square in New Orleans confirm that I would be having 3 kids, so why has this not happened yet?! Sorry…I need to have a little humor with this otherwise I’ll go nuts!
I feel truly blessed I was able to get pregnant and I think of my son as my miracle baby. About 12 years ago, I started having debilitating pains in my pelvic region. I literally had no idea what to do and what was going on with my body. So I would typically lay still in bed for hours, not knowing what to do, unable to move even an inch because the pain was so intense. One day I realized I needed to see my obgyn and found out that I had an 11cm cyst on my left ovary. Long story short, I was sent to an oncologist because they were sure it was cancerous, which sent me into an emotional tailspin since my mom died of cancer at age 36. I was not prepared for the excruciating pain of a laparotomy and spent almost a week in the hospital, in terrible pain. I spent another 7 weeks at home recovering. Thankfully, it was not cancerous, but it turned out to be endometriosis. The ONLY thing that got me through that terrible surgery and recovery was telling myself every day that I was possibly one step closer to being able to conceive.
As soon as I got the go ahead to start trying to conceive, I did. And I got pregnant on the first try! I was so insanely shocked that I took 4 pregnancy tests because I didn’t believe it could be true. I had spent two years trying to conceive before my surgery, so I was flabbergasted! Below is a picture of me at 26 weeks pregnant with my son at my baby shower.
When my son was four years old, my husband and I felt ready to add to our family. It really didn’t cross my mind I would have trouble conceiving again because I had gotten pregnant, so my troubles must be over, right? Wrong! I had stopped taking my birth control that was controlling my endometriosis at the time and figured I would be pregnant within three months. Well, fast forward six years later and I am still not pregnant. In those six years, I have had two additional surgeries, thankfully they were laparoscopic which means much less pain and recovery time. I did find out in my last surgery that unfortunately my left tube does not work. I have spent countless nights in the ER with ruptured cysts and let’s just say I would rather give birth again than have a ruptured cyst. They are that painful!
It’s certainly tough being a woman! I went through a health scare last year (read about my struggles with Hashimotos and Hypothyroid) so my Naturopath is still trying to get my levels and hormones corrected. He seems to think if I can get my body balanced, that I should be able to conceive. All I can do is hope and pray. It’s a frustrating and painful feeling to feel that you are running out of time. That everyone around you is finished having kids, and you are still yearning for another one. I regularly have dreams that feel so incredibly real that I am pregnant, then when I wake up, I think about it all day because it felt so real. I have heard so many stories of women who went through the same struggles that I have and were able to conceive on their own. Those stories give me so much hope! Either way, I am thankful for my son every single day, even when he’s being a pain in the butt.
I do not know how my story will end. Hopefully, one day, I will get my prayers answered. I try not to wonder what will happen if I don’t get pregnant again. I try not to let my mind go there. For now, I just have hope and try not to obsess about it too much, otherwise I will go crazy. I would love to hear any of your struggles you have had with infertility.
